We are looking for an extremely overqualified individual who is willing to perform heavy manual labour while simultaneously executing high-level corporate legal tasks.
In this role, you will spend half your day freezing in a muddy Birmingham car yard checking vehicles and moving stock, and the other half in a hectic office dealing with high-stress customer invoices.
To even be considered, you must have studied Law in the UK to explain complex legal terms and conditions to customers, but you must also be completely fine with getting your hands dirty cleaning and moving cars. Furthermore, you must be a fluent polyglot, effortlessly switching between English, Urdu, Pashto, and Punjabi on a daily basis to handle difficult customer negotiations and administrative paperwork.
If you enjoy having the responsibilities of a corporate lawyer, a sales administrator, a customer mediator, and an outdoor yard labourer, all rolled into one low-paying, highly stressful position, this is the job for you.
Why You Will Hate This Job (Key Responsibilities):
- The Weather Exposure: You will stand outside in the Birmingham sleet, wind, and rain conducting tedious, finger-numbing vehicle inspections and organising our yard layout.
- The Legal Headache: You will jump straight from the muddy yard into the office to handle complex sales administration and walk difficult customers through the microscopic details of our invoice terms and conditions, using your UK Law studies to defend our policies.
- Language Gymnastics: You must constantly translate complex legal and automotive jargon on the spot in English, Urdu, Pashto, and Punjabi without making a single mistake.
- Extreme Multitasking: One minute you are wiping down a dashboard, the next you are drafting legally binding invoices, and the next you are dealing with a complaining customer. There is zero transition time.
Crucial Requirements (We will reject you if you miss even one):
- A UK Law Background: You must have studied Law in the UK. (Yes, we expect a legal background for a yard assistant role).
- Quad-Lingual Mastery: You must be 100% fluent in speaking English, Urdu, Pashto, and Punjabi.
- A Clean UK Driving Licence: You will be driving cars in tight spaces; any scrape is on you.
- Zero Sensitivity to Cold: Must be comfortable working in sub-zero British winter weather without complaining.
- Thick Skin: You will deal with hostile customers disputing invoice terms, and you must maintain absolute professionalism.
Work Location: In person
